something to fill the void

1 month down, 11 more to go on our shopping fast. It's been an interesting journey so far, and I've noticed several things about myself:

1) Consumerism is an addiction. Or at least it has been for me. I have to avoid looking at the ads, avoid looking at the fabric (new projects are my weakness), avoid looking at the style boards showing me all the outfits I could put together if I just had ___. I know that if I look, I will want, and if I want, I will have to go through the whole internal struggle, the desire to justify a purchase, the ultimate pain of saying no... It sounds so serious, when it's really quite ridiculous. So I can't buy myself fabric to make a new scarf! Why should that be hard?!?

2) I was spending money like a fiend and never even realized it. Since we've gone on our fast, our spending (obviously) has come to a screeching halt. It's amazing how little I'm spending if all I'm shopping for are groceries and diapers! I had no idea I was spending so much, and now looking back, I'm not even sure what in the world I was buying! It was simply the attitude of consuming, of buying more, of allowing myself to be attracted by something and taking part because I could.

3) I'm bored. Shopping, consuming, new things... it was something to keep me occupied, something about which to be excited. Even if it was simply a pen, it was something new, something to go out and buy to fill my otherwise boring life with an interesting tidbit. Yesterday I went to Target to exchange a box of diapers for a bigger size. I decided to quickly peruse the sale section for kids clothes. Morgan and I decided that yes, clothes for the kids are actually a need, but I also tend to go a bit crazy with clothes, so I made myself an extremely specific list so that I don't buy more than they need (like: 2T gold tights, 1. 3T winter top matching black pants, 1. 5T khaki play-pants, 1. etc). I actually found 2 items on my need-list for the kids on the sale racks for awesome prices so I bought them. The purchase was so not exciting (I found the pair of khaki play-pants for Emerson and a pair of jeans for Chelise), but I felt like an addict getting a fix. I'm embarrassed even to admit how extreme my dependence on stuff has become!

But then I started thinking about it... My life really is pretty boring. My conversations are almost exclusively with a 4-year-old and 22-month-old, and my activities consist mostly of washing dishes, breaking up tussles, disciplining backtalk, wiping butts, occasionally doing something as exciting as getting groceries. Up till 1 month ago, I dealt with my boredom by shopping. Looking at how high our credit card bills were getting every month, I must have been really bored! I know I'm doing the most important thing I could ever do - raise my children and spend these precious and short years with them. I know it, believe it, and wouldn't trade it for anything!! This is what I want to be doing!! But... yeah, it can be pretty boring.

4) I need something better than shopping to fill my heart. I used to look forward to Morgan coming home just so I could run out and do... something! By myself, of course, alone in the van, without listening to Veggie Tales. But this week we haven't needed groceries, and until I needed to get diapers, I had nothing to go out and do. The boredom settled on me. It weighed on me as heavily as the persistent clouds. I needed the sunshine of something to fill that void. Harry Potter got pulled back out to play in the background as I do my daily chores. But even Harry Potter can't quite fill the void of needing something to enjoy in a day of humdrum. I need to learn how to turn to God and let Him fill this void. Jesus wants my heart completely, and so as I rid myself of the idols, I want Him to replace them.

Practically speaking, what does that mean??? I don't know. But I want to know. I want to be excited about Him, about the mysteries of His ways, about the incredible truths of His Word! This week, I have asked myself what I need to do in order to turn this idol into devotion. I don't want simply not to shop for a year; I want to be changed. And so I ask the Lord to show me what this means. Show me, Lord, what You want for my days, so that You are the joy that fills them and You are my excitement in them.

Jeremiah 33:3 'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.' I believe You, Lord, and I am excited. I am waiting. I am wanting You instead of stuff. And I know You will do far beyond anything I can ask or imagine.

Kyra

Being Realistic

In my dream-life, my dream-self makes all the consumable products we use (toothpaste, makeup, baby wipes, laundry detergent, etc. etc. etc. etc.). My dream-self also makes all the food we eat from scratch using organic ingredients, mostly raised by ourselves or bought locally, and never buys convenience food full of chemicals and additives. My dream-self also is never stressed out, and can somehow do all of this while raising children (who obviously are helpful, whine-free, tantrum-free, obedient and respectful dream-children), teaching them everything they need to know, and enjoying life in our perfectly spotless home where the dishes are done, laundry is washed/folded/put away, and everything is, in general, organized, simple and restful.

In reality, I spent several hours today researching homemade makeup, homemade toothpaste (because we need some), homemade deodorant (I used to make it; where did that perfect recipe we both loved go anyway?), printing recipes, figuring costs, and wondering if it's all really worth it. Is it worth trying to live a different way?

When I thought through our shopping fast, I made a choice to do my best to eliminate all the necessary-but-convenience items that drive up our bills: organic baby wipes (I can make them myself with paper towels plus a little extra time!), laundry detergent, etc. It takes being deliberate, a little extra foresight (making the wipes before I'm halfway through a dirty diaper change and realize there is not a single wipe in the house), and a few extra ingredients. Because I've been working on becoming my dream-self for awhile now, I've stocked up quite a few of these extra ingredients already (score! No need to buy more stuff!). I suppose it also takes faith too. Faith that what I'm doing is worth doing even when I feel like everything is chaos and I can't even do things as basic as feeding my children something other than peanut butter and jelly for the 3rd time in a row.

At our BSF lecture a couple weeks ago, our discussion leader mentioned how when she as a young mother she complained to God about not having time to seek Him with all the constant demands on her life, and He reminded her of Matthew 6:33 - "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well". I've thought of that frequently since then. I'm trying to accomplish as much as I can between now and Baby #3's arrival (make the products, sew the baby-stuff, make all the gifts we'll want to give over the next year when we're not buying stuff, etc), but there's only so much a tired pregnant mom can do in a day. And I know it will only be harder once she's here, and I'm sleeping even less with an adjusting 2-year-old and always-challenging 4-year-old, not to mention a husband who is away more than ever. I think, being realistic, how in the world can I do basic homemaking tasks (laundry, food, etc), let alone shoot for some of my goals (like a year's supply of home-canned goods and a homemade products)??

What really matters here? That I seek Him first, His kingdom, and His righteousness. He gets it. He understands. He doesn't condemn me when I cannot be my dream self (or even half of my dream-self). What's more important is that He Himself promises that, as I seek Him first, everything else will be added to my life - food, clothing, etc. I don't need to worry. Yes, I can be realistic, and know I may need to buy toothpaste and deoderant down the road. But can I not also trust Him that He will provide the best? Like peace. Strength. Rest. Maybe I will need to buy something, but maybe not! He can provide in unlimited ways, for extra time, extra help, extra energy, etc!

Trust Him first, Kyra. Seek Him first. Everything else will fall into place when I do. Realistically, my dream-self is the mother who trusts Him like that and is at rest in my soul when my children throw a tantrum again about their food or can't leave me alone long enough to do 1 load of laundry! In the bigger picture of life, that's more important. That's an eternal dream-self with eternal value. I suppose, realistically speaking, that's going to add greater value to my children's lives than an all-organic, from-scratch diet and home.

Contentment

I was thinking about being content this morning, so I looked up 1st Timothy 6:6:-11:

But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. Those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs. But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness,faith, love, endurance and gentleness. (NIV)

Reading this passage, even though I've read it many times before, amazed me. So many verses and passages in the Bible seem to come to life in whole new ways when they're viewed with through the lense of simplicity, non-consumerism, and minimalism. The thing is, this passage shouldn't require any of those lenses to hit us, because it's so straightforward. It's so easy for us to think about the gain we want to have in life - possessions, money, status, promotions, status symbols. We spend so much of our lives and attention thinking about and pursuing these things, and the thing is that when our focus is on what we need to obtain next, we're by definition rejecting contentment because we're focused on and pursuing what we don't already have. 

I love that Paul didn't just say contentment is great gain, but that godliness with contentment is great gain. Basically, if we want to pursue advancement and gain, let's pursue it on the path of sanctification. In fact, this is one area in our life where we're not supposed to be satisfied, but to constantly quest for purer, more complete godliness and sanctification. 

Aside from that, Paul tells us, so long as we have food a clothing we ought to be content. Why should we be content with such basic supply? I think the answer is in the sentence before that - we brought nothing into the world and we can take nothing out of it. Our focus is life is not to be on the temporal, physical life we lead, but on our walking with God and journeying toward heaven. All the status symbols and possessions in the world will mean nothing as soon as we pass into the hereafter. What will matter? In Matthew 25 we're told what is going to matter - I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison and you came to Me. All these things that the righteous did out of the outpouring of their love for Christ are the things that will last for eternity, long after every possession, title, and accomplishment have been completely forgotten. 

To pursue anything else sets us up for  temptation, traps, and foolish and harmful desires that plunge us into ruin and destruction. Given the benefits and the alternative, accepting God's invitation to the joys of contentment sounds pretty awesome.

-   Morgan